Internal Family Systems Therapy

Internal family systems therapy (IFS) is based on two very simple ideas: every single person has parts and every single person has Self energy. When we talk about parts, think of “internal family members” with unique qualities and personalities who take on roles or carry burdens for us. Our parts can mesh well or be polarized against each other. When we talk about Self energy, we are talking about qualities of compassion, connectedness, calm, curiosity, confidence, courage, creativity and clarity (we call these the 8Cs and how much of any one quality you have at any one time will vary). Parts are not better than Self and Self is not better than parts. 

Here’s the best part: IFS is a creative, strengths-based, client-centred and empowering approach that does not pathologize these parts or you.

IFS was first conceptualized in the 1980s by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.

You are welcome to keep on reading and watch some videos below if you want to learn more.

Sometimes, we have trouble noticing one or more of our 8Cs of Self. For example, think of a time when a part of you has felt such intense anxiety that it squished those 8Cs so much that you felt the anxiety was the boss of you – it would not let you think, feel or do anything that was not geared towards saving you from anything that would make you feel more anxious. I bet that another part of you was looking at that anxious part of you and flipping out at how much it was shrinking your world and maybe another part of you was judging you for not being able to lean into your fears or “fake it til you make it”. In IFS, every single part is welcome and we don’t need any part to disappear. Instead, we help make space for your Self by releasing parts from their burdens and extreme roles, so they get to take on roles that make sense after that unburdening.

Our parts show up in different ways for us: feelings, thoughts, sensations, images, colours, beliefs, fantasies, behaviours, or other ways. We have three kinds of parts:

Exiles

Exiles carry our emotional wounds, hurt, trauma and disturbing memories so far out of our mind that sometimes we forget (or cannot believe!) anything bad even happened because how could we have survived it!? Shame and fear are great examples of wounds we carry that we don’t like to feel… so we quite skillfully exile them as far away from our day-to-day life as possible. Exiles are past-oriented and overwhelming unless they stay repressed. Exiles can become extreme and desperate to tell their story and be cared for at long last. It is important to remember that exiles carry wounds and are not wounds themselves.

Managers

Managers prevent our exiles from being seen or triggered – like when adult elephants surround the baby elephant to protect the baby from being hurt by predators. Managers are future-oriented and proactive. They help us function in our day-to-day life and try to keep us in control and safe from rejection and hurt. Examples are parts of us that want to be liked, please others, be perfect, minimize vulnerability with people, prevent abandonment by people, perform well at home, school or work, cope with whatever comes our way, soothes us, worries, fears hope, judges our extreme behaviours, thoughts or behaviours and avoids conflict.

Firefighters

Firefighters swoop in after an exile has been exposed to stop the pain or distract from the pain. They are present-oriented, reactive and easily judged by the managers. Binging, purging, restricting, self-harm, working a lot, sex binges, substance use, suicide thoughts, raging, spending, dissociation and numbing are examples. You will notice that these parts can face a lot of judgment because their more "extreme" ways of helping the exiles are often socially unacceptable. Even though firefighters fighting a blaze may cause water damage, they have actually saved the house and the kids and they are praised to the hilt for doing their job well. Our internal firefighters - not so much, even though they saved our inner kids!

These parts are all protecting us. They all have a positive intention. They don’t always agree with how to protect us, but they are all on the same page: they don’t want us to hurt.

IFS is about harmony and healing. Instead of your parts leading your world, your Self leads your world with input from your parts, knowing that all parts are welcome with positive intentions. Read “How I Became a Warrior” by Jeff Foster to get a real sense of what this can look like:

HOW I BECAME A WARRIOR

Once, I ran from fear

so fear controlled me.

Until I learned to hold fear like a newborn.

Listen to it, but not give in.

Honour it, but not worship it.

Fear could not stop me anymore.

I walked with courage into the storm.

I still have fear,

but it does not have me.

Once, I was ashamed of who I was.

I invited shame into my heart.

I let it burn.

It told me, "I am only trying

to protect your vulnerability".

I thanked shame dearly,

and stepped into life anyway,

unashamed, with shame as a lover.

Once, I had great sadness

buried deep inside.

I invited it to come out and play.

I wept oceans. My tear ducts ran dry.

And I found joy right there.

Right at the core of my sorrow.

It was heartbreak that taught me how to love.

Once, I had anxiety.

A mind that wouldn't stop.

Thoughts that wouldn't be silent.

So I stopped trying to silence them.

And I dropped out of the mind,

and into the Earth.

Into the mud.

Where I was held strong

like a tree, unshakeable, safe.

Once, anger burned in the depths.

I called anger into the light of myself.

I felt its shocking power.

I let my heart pound and my blood boil.

Listened to it, finally.

And it screamed, "Respect yourself fiercely now!".

"Speak your truth with passion!".

"Say no when you mean no!".

"Walk your path with courage!".

"Let no one speak for you!"

Anger became an honest friend.

A truthful guide.

A beautiful wild child.

Once, loneliness cut deep.

I tried to distract and numb myself.

Ran to people and places and things.

Even pretended I was "happy".

But soon I could not run anymore.

And I tumbled into the heart of loneliness.

And I died and was reborn

into an exquisite solitude and stillness.

That connected me to all things.

So I was not lonely, but alone with All Life.

My heart One with all other hearts. 

Once, I ran from difficult feelings.

Now, they are my advisors, confidants, friends,

and they all have a home in me,

and they all belong and have dignity.

I am sensitive, soft, fragile,

my arms wrapped around all my inner children.

And in my sensitivity, power.

In my fragility, an unshakeable Presence.

In the depths of my wounds,

in what I had named “darkness”,

I found a blazing Light

that guides me now in battle.

I became a warrior

when I turned towards myself.

And started listening.

- Jeff Foster